North American Edition	Australian / New Zealand Edition
Published by McClelland and Stewart	Published by Allen & Unwin

Too Safe for Their Own Good

Expert Reviews of Too Safe for Their Own Good

Chapter 2 Excerpt of Too Safe for Their Own Good


Too Safe for Their Own Good

Our children are safer now than at any other time in history. As a social worker and family therapist, I’ve become concerned that we may be keeping our children Too Safe for Their Own Good. If we adults think back to when we were young, didn’t the risks we take and the responsibilities we had help prepare us for the challenges we would face later in our lives? In my ongoing work with young people and their families I am seeing a disturbing trend: a connection between all the security we offer children and adolescents and troubling behaviors like drug abuse, early sexual activity, violence and truancy.

What’s going on?

Why would a child with everything choose the life of the delinquent, the bully, the runaway, the street kid, or the drug addict? Why would a child with a safe and caring home insist on taking on responsibility that parents know is beyond her years? Why would a young person insist on being sexually active, or demand the right to work after school, threatening the grades he might get if he focused more on his studies?

If these problems sound familiar it is because many young people from good homes are growing up without the risk-taker’s advantage. Our children crave adventure and responsibility every bit as much as we did at their age. Both necessarily come with a sizable amount of risk. And both are often in short supply.

Too Safe for Their Own Good shares what I’ve learned from families who have found ways to provide their children with the right amount of risk and responsibility. My message is simple:
 

• Parents and caregivers need to be vigilant when real risks exist, but ease up when our adult fears get the better of us. Well-founded worry conveys to children they are loved; senseless, ungrounded worry debilitates children in ways far worse than the few bumps and bruises they may experience without us.

• When children do act out and put themselves at risk, we need to force ourselves to listen to them closely so they can tell us why they have chosen to take more risk and assume more responsibility than we think they can handle.

• And we need to provide children with safe substitutes for their risk-taking and responsibility-seeking behaviors. These substitutes must provide just as much excitement as young people find when they put themselves in harm’s way.

Removing senseless dangers from our children’s lives is good parenting. However, I hear from many young people that something is missing when their lives become too safe. The children who push to find their limits (and scare us adults in the process) may also be those most ready for life.

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Expert Reviews of Too Safe for Their Own Good

“At a time of escalating anxiety about teenagers, Too Safe for Their Own Good is the wake-up call we’ve been waiting for. Ungar not only shows why too much safety and not enough risk is a bad thing for adolescents, but he also gives practical tips for finding the right balance. Written with both authority and a light touch, this is required reading for parents, educators and anyone else who cares about our teens.”
Carl Honoré
Author of In Praise of Slow and Under Pressure


“Michael Ungar clearly demonstrates that risk and responsibility are meat and potatoes for the teenage soul; and he delivers his message to parents with compassion and the hard-earned wisdom of a veteran practitioner.”
Chris Mercogliano
Author of In Defense of Childhood: Protecting Kids’ Inner Wildness


"Too Safe for Their Own Good is a terrific book. It offers parents such a different and smart view of raising teens that every parent should read it."
Author of The Secret Life of Families
Editor, Family Process
Director of the Center for Families and Health, Ackerman Institute for the Family


“Michael Ungar has written an exciting, timely, and important book, one that significantly advances understanding of the bases of resilience and health among diverse children around the globe. He provides an innovative and insightful conception of the central role that both risk and responsibility play in enabling young people to thrive and to become adults who are ready to contribute to families, communities, and civil society. The vision and voice in this book compellingly illustrate why the scholarship of Professor Ungar is regarded internationally as a vital resource for enhancing science, policies, and programs fostering well-being among young people everywhere.”
Richard Lerner, Ph.D.
Author of The Good Teen
Bergstrom Chair in Applied Developmental Science
Director of the Institute for Applied Research in Youth Development
Tufts University

“Author, social worker and family therapist Michael Ungar’s experience shows us the unintentional harm that can come from good intentions… Ungar helps us understand that over-parenting and trying to reduce the risk of physical harm to zero leads to unintentional side effects… Let’s take off the bubble wrap and let our kids breathe.”
Silken Laumann
Olympian and Author of Right to Play


“This book is a must-read for all parents who worry about their children's safety and wellbeing. Michael Ungar, an internationally respected expert on raising resilient youth, provides valuable information and vivid case illustrations in this practical resource. In today's hyper-stressed and precarious world, families more than ever need his research-informed wisdom and guidelines to help their children avoid harmful risks and yet actively engage life challenges to build resilience and encourage positive growth.”
Froma Walsh, Ph.D.
Author of Strengthening Family Resilience
Mose & Sylvia Firestone Professor,
School of Social Service Administration & Department of Psychiatry, University of Chicago
Co-Director of the Chicago Center for Family Health


“This book will be of great interest to parents and practitioners. Especially useful is the guidance Ungar provides about how to empathize and understand the function of risky behavior on the road to helping children grow and thrive. The title emphasizes a central message of the book, i.e., “Do not ‘protect’ children from opportunities to engage in challenging experiences,” but the scope of the book is much broader, addressing many important questions faced by today’s youth and their families.”
Barbara Friesen
Director of the Research and Training Center on Family Support and Children’s Mental Health, Portland State University


“With Too Safe for Their Own Good, Michael Ungar is likely to touch the parent of any teenager. He illustrates the positives of what many see as only negative: taking a risk. What child learned to walk without daring to take that first step? What teen learned to drive without turning the key for the first time? Risk is essential for children to develop, and Ungar kindly instructs parents how to help their children discover the right balance between taking risks for growth and taking risks to the point of harm. This book is a must-read for parents worried about their risk-taking youth.”
David C. Schwebel, Ph.D.
Associate Professor and Vice Chair of the Department of Psychology
Director of the UAB Youth Safety Lab
University of Alabama at Birmingham

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Chapter 2 Excerpt of Too Safe for Their Own Good

This chapter reminds us as parents to remember our years as an adolescent and to try offering some simple substitutions for our own children’s excessively dangerous risk-taking behaviours. Later in the book, the issues I tackle become much more complex, but it’s always best to remember that change can start from even modest beginnings.


Think hard.

Was there ever a time when you wanted to do something that would have endangered yourself or others, for which your parents found an adequate substitute? Maybe you weren’t allowed to take a job working late shifts at the local gas station, but your parents were happy to help you buy the tools to start your own summer lawn-care business. Maybe you weren’t allowed to date until you were sixteen, but were allowed to spend time at your cousin’s cottage, where there were boys. Maybe you weren’t allowed to go on your own to Europe for the summer at fifteen, but were allowed to visit your cousins in Florida without your parents tagging along. Teenagers will generally accept a substitute if it brings with it some adventure and responsibility.

Start small. Think of one way you can offer your teen a little more risk, a little more responsibility:

• Extend your daughter’s curfew.

• Let your son share a glass of wine at the dinner table.

• Let your son go to that rock concert after all, but arrange a time and place for pickup.

• Buy your daughter for her birthday one piece of clothing she really wants, and which you’d rather she not have. (A ripped pair of designer jeans? A studded collar? An undersized T-shirt?)

• Don’t stand in the way of your teen taking a summer job out of town.

For some families, none of these tasks will be anything new. For other families, some of these tasks might seem far more serious than they were intended. Every family has its own rulebook. Trying something different means showing your child you are willing to reconsider the rules.

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